The Brief Story of Ed’s Ear Wax

Old Easy-Going Ed used to have a whiskery wolly dog that lived and played in the stagnant swamp near Ed’s house, in the cokawolla wilderness. The dog would always come running and bouncing when Ed called it to eat, or play, or to walk, or maybe even to talk with him.  Ed did most of the talking.

Ed also had an Uncle Zeke that loved to hang out with him. Easy Going Ed needed a pot full of patience because Zeke couldn’t hear very well. Ed had to keep repeating what he said. His uncle would always come in late when Ed called him to eat. The food would get cold while Ed looked for Zeke outside. And then, Zeke would complain about the food being cold.

Easy going Ed’s problem got worse when his wolly dog stopped coming to him.

Ed had to bellow, and holler, and yelp, and banshee. And then finally, he would still have go looking for the swamp dog. It was as if the dog were going deaf. Easy-Going Ed was losing his patience. He yelled at the swamp dog. He screamed at his uncle. One day, after becoming very frustrated, Ed joked yellingly, and not so jokingly, to Zeke, “Why don’t you get your ears cleaned Uncle Zeke.” He had screeched in Zeke’s ear and this time Zeke heard him.

But Zeke had actually never thought of that. He had never heard of cleaning your ears and he hadn’t done so in 55 years. The next time he visited, Zeke could hear everything. He and Ed had a nice, hot, barbecued steak dinner, along with having their best conversation ever. After dinner, Ed called his wiggly wolly dog to come chew the beefy, brizileous bones, but of course the dog didn’t hear him and he didn’t come. So, when Ed had to go out to the gooey, stinky, pyootrifried swamp, to fetch his dog, again, he was not happy. But on his way out, he had an idea!

When he found the dog, he confirmed his thoughts. The dog’s ears were full of goo, moss, mud, slime, and pond scum. Of course! It was worse than his uncle’s ear wax. It took Ed three wearisome weeks to clean the wad of wax, while he wrestled with the wickedly, wild, wolly dog. Now, the problem was solved.

Hmmmmm? But not quite. Zeke wouldn’t stop coming to the house now. He was at Ed’s for breakfast, and for lunch, and for supper.  Now the meals were hot. Now that he could hear the conversation, Zeke never never never never stopped talking and telling stories. He was making up for 55 years of missed conversation. And after overeating, he would lay around the couch with his pants open and talk in his sleep.

It was too much. Ed was sick of looking at Zeke’s old underwear and hearing his babble. He’d heard the same stories 72 times. Ed went to the swamp and brought back some goo. When Uncle Zeke was sleeping blissfully on the couch, after another round of overeating, Ed snuck up and put the warm swamp goo in Zeke’s ears. Things almost immediately went back to normal with Uncle Zeke.

They lived happily and semi deafly, ever after. And that’s how Ed got the idea for his ear wax. It is highly recommended when you have friends that won’t shut up. But in this case, you might want to put the wax in your own ears!